Back in 2020, COVID happened, our whole civilization collectively lost its shit, and I started wondering what kind of work chair best suited the situation.
Before that, I didn't have a chair. I was used to working on benches, beanbags, hammocks, the floor, and, of course, all kinds of sofas.
So I asked Facebook about chairs, which I knew absolutely fuck-all about. GPT hadn't been invented yet.
The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't want the embarrassing Herman Miller Aeron. I'd had one at Yandex, and I wanted nothing I'd had at Yandex. Sitting in that gray monstrosity felt like returning to the open-plan office, surrounded by show-off nerds trying to look smart while doing nothing. They kept distracting me because being next to someone actually working made them uncomfortable.
People suggested various things. I bought various things. For some reason, the favorite was the IKEA Markus. The worst fucking chair I, or anyone, has ever owned. I could have sat longer on an ironing board, which didn't look much different.
Then I tried chairs whose names I don't remember. Ergonomic ones, gaming ones, even OFFICE ones.
Of course, I eventually sat down in a Herman Miller. It's the only chair I don't feel in the second, eighth, or sixteenth hour of work.
That experience let me define the perfect chair: you use it every day without remembering it's there.
You can buy a headrest for the Herman Miller. A place to put your big fucking head, basically. Ads targeted me from the moment I ordered my Aeron online, but I stubbornly ignored them for years.
Eventually, I gave in and bought one. I'd gotten an excellent firm footstool for under the desk and imagined turning my Aeron into a sofa for watching strategically important YouTube videos. Lean back, which you can't do without somewhere to put your head.
Naturally, the headrest doesn't just look like shit. It is shit. It's very comfortable, like the Aeron. That's where its advantages end.
Herman Miller's engineers managed to outdo themselves and create “Very Human Design,” like that Chinese TikToker's absurd inventions.
The whole headrest attaches with one bolt tightened by an Allen wrench. That bolt has to clamp it firmly to the chair, preferably until something crunches. The innovative plastic is very strong but still flexible. Stretch, and an insufficiently tightened headrest falls off. At night, it sounds like a fucking bomb.
You'd think: where's the problem? Tighten it and shut up.
But there's no wrench that fits that hex socket except the one supplied with it.
I didn't think that was even possible. It looks like an ordinary hex socket. Stick any hex-shaped thing in there and off you go.
Fuck no.
Naturally, the original wrench, the one that actually worked, gets lost within the first few months. But I'm a man. I have a shitload of tools.
So many that I can easily surprise any builder who comes over to fix something. Whatever he's missing, I generally have it.
A detector for wires in the wall? No fucking problem. A voltage tester? Here, the best one. A hacksaw? Take your pick. I have two.
Sanders, dehumidifiers, six kinds of silicone, every type of paint used on every surface in the house. Want to sand something? Eighty grit or six hundred? Everything in between? Of course I have it. Want a power sander too? Here.
I can drill through any surface to any depth. When a guy broke his ridiculous drill bit for the internet cable and said we'd have to wait until tomorrow because it was his last one, I handed him one from my supplies. He said that in over ten years installing internet connections, he'd never encountered someone with that fucking drill bit at home.
Of course, I have a billion different Allen wrenches. From furniture, DIY kits, all sorts of places. More than fifty altogether.
Not one fits this fucking thing. They either won't go in or spin freely.
When I told the builders fixing the bathroom, they didn't believe me. Said that couldn't happen. I agreed. But there was the miracle, right in front of us.
They tried every Allen wrench they had. Even brought their entire toolkit over from another job. Nothing fucking fit.
Herman Miller can really pull it off.
With all those tools, of course I have a file. I could turn a wrench that doesn't fit into one that does.
But here's what I thought.
When I get my first humanoid robot, just as I once got a robot vacuum, this one use case alone—digitally catalog every tiny object in my home and bring it to me on request—is already a fucking miracle worth buying the thing for. Before considering anything else it can do.
The right wrench is lying around somewhere. I'll just never summon the enthusiasm to turn the whole fucking apartment upside down looking for it. It isn't worth it. Easier to say fuck it.
But soon there'll be a robot that knows how many washers of each size I have, how many milliliters of mineral spirits remain, whether there's a nail of the right color for the material. If something's missing, it'll suggest a substitute. Or take the fucking file and make me the right-sized Allen wrench.
It's already like that on the computer. This year, I haven't searched for anything myself or gone digging through settings. I do it all through Codex. I remember with horror spending a fucking hour watching YouTube videos just to configure something properly.
I installed the Atlas browser as soon as it came out and can't understand how I lived in ordinary Chrome. I still have Chrome. Chrome DevTools opens it. But in six months, I've forgotten how to use it. You type something, and there's fucking Google, and links, and you have to click them.
I can't wait for these things to reach the physical world beyond YouTube, laboratories, Amazon warehouses, and Hyundai factories. Into our houses and apartments.